Let pros try to find depression’s cause

Q I’ll be 80 in October and as time passes I’ve become increasingly depressed, losing interest in everything I’ve highly valued all my life.

I have a lot to look forward to. My wife was sent to me from heaven and will be retiring with me next month. We’re having a new home under construction in the country that we’ll be moving to in August.

I should be a lot happier.

Why Am I So Sad?

A For some people, age markers loom large (see my May 24 column). Recently, a man wrote me that, despite being in good health and, like you, enjoying a good life, he decided at 75 that “80 is enough” and he should arrange for his death. Meanwhile, his wife and adult children disagreed and considered it a wrong-headed choice.

He’s not clear about why he’s chosen 80, other than mentioning anxieties about what could/might happen by that time.

But I can tell you this: The age at which my father died haunted me for several years as I approached that number. I had none of my father’s serious health issues, yet I worried till the imagined “threat” passed.

Sometimes, we’re stuck in our own manufactured scenarios. You say you’re depressed, and acknowledge that you don’t know why. But there’s a reason somewhere, waiting to be discovered.

Often I suggest the search for an answer should start with a medical check. There are many possible reasons why depression dominates our moods, even from lacks in our overall nutrition.

In a relationship column, it’s not uncommon for me and other advisers to suggest a medical checkup. If that provides no clues, then nutritional or medication needs can be checked.

And better fitness levels may also be suggested, in the hopes that physical activity brings an energy boost and more positive outlook.

Also, advice-givers, me included, often suggest counselling. A practising professional therapist can ask direct questions and build a patient-therapist relationship.

Counselling is a process. It requires the person to commit to it, respond to it and, in the case of private practitioners, to pay for it.

I’d very much like for you to not be depressed, and I know it’s hard to just lift that cloud from your thoughts and feelings. But there are logical steps you can take toward learning why you’re so sad.

Enlist your loving wife in the process. Talk together about all the good things in your life. Try something new together — e.g., travel somewhere different from your usual choices, take up hiking in the country around your new home, plant a garden. Feedback Regarding a letter from a stepmother whose relationship with her boyfriend changed when his children, age 11 and 13, moved in (March 26):

“My heart breaks for her. I think every stepmother goes through a similar anguish. Also, 13 is often a difficult age for children growing through their adolescence.

“I suggest that she read every book she can find on stepparenting, and the children’s father should read them, too.

“Personally, I also strongly recommend family counselling, if the couple can afford it. This problem is too big for either of them to solve on their own.

“If he refuses to do either of those things, then I would predict that the couple’s relationship will fail, just as mine did.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Mood disorders, age-related worries, and reluctance to pursue the cause are some ways people stay stuck in depression rather than find answers.

ELLIE TESHER AND LISI TESHER ARE ADVICE