Feelings remain for old flame who keeps texting

Q: I was in love 10 years ago. Then, my guy went overseas to work and we weren’t in contact until he returned for Christmas and we hooked up again.

By then, I was engaged to someone else who’s nice and understanding, but still in love with my ex. We hadn’t even broken up or discussed anything about our relationship.

I got married and moved overseas and discovered that my husband worked with my ex in the same department. He keeps messaging me, saying he still remembers what I wore the first day we met and even our first date and our song. We almost hooked up when my husband was away, but I couldn’t go through with it.

I went home for Christmas. He phoned to meet up, but I was away visiting relatives.

He got married last year, but when he came back, he still sent me texts.

When I saw him, I was flooded with love for him. I don’t want to feel this way. I just want to be happy and when I see him, I don’t want to have this mixed emotion.

Confused

A: It feels like an unfinished affair, but it’s 10 years in the past. What you have now is yearning related to memories.

You could both leave and devastate your partners, upset any children involved, have a wild ride … but if you dislike mixed emotions now, the consequences can become far more troubling later.

Try putting this old romance behind you. You did break up, by getting married to someone else, and eventually so did he.

Yet you don’t mention feelings for your husband or your family life with him. So, only if your marriage is unhappy: Have one more contact with your ex to learn whether he’s prepared to share a future with you, not just an affair. Be certain, not confused.

Q: I met my current fiancé in my early-30s and was soon upfront about not dating for years with no marriage or children. He agreed. We’re expecting our first child next month.

When we informed his parents, they were delighted. However, my mom’s first reaction was, “you’re not married yet.” But we had health issues that may’ve prevented conception if we waited. We told my parents that we’ll marry in 2018 (remember this column is an archive), but my father hasn’t acknowledged the pregnancy, and refuses to speak with my fiancé.

Today, my mom said that my father won’t allow her to see or take care of the baby. He’s betting that our relationship won’t last. He’s skeptical that “Caucasian” guys are good men. I’m Asian.

My mom said to take my maternity leave and not rely on them for child care in the future. My dad wouldn’t speak with me.

I’ve not seen my parents much since I left home at 17, following my career dream by putting myself through university and graduate school.

My father has a controlling personality and we once had a violent incident between us. I’m considering cutting them out for good.

When to Cut Ties

A: It’s a difficult decision, even with your past “incident.” To try to see your father’s view — there’s his conservative culture and the fear (or shame) he feels, perhaps even worrying you’ll be left with your child by your fiancé.

Meanwhile, there’s support from your fiancé and his parents, and you’re a woman with a career who’ll manage, come what may. Tell your parents it’s their loss unless they accept your fiancé and your child.

TIP OF THE DAY

Don’t obsess on a past love if you’re staying married.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and