A controller and freedom lover cannot live together

Q: My buddy at work, in his mid-30s like me, got married eight years ago. They have a son.

His wife is strong-minded, even controlling, which I found uncomfortable when we were two couples just chatting and laughing together.

Four years ago, when she and their son went to her home country for six weeks in the summer, I could tell that my pal was breaking loose. He met an attractive woman at a bar and was out with her for several nights over two weeks.

I was somewhat shocked but I also understood that it can’t be easy to be constantly ordered around.

My friend may have also been intimate with the new woman. He told me he’d been to her place a couple of times. I didn’t ask for or want to know details. I’m happily married and wouldn’t have behaved similarly.

He stopped seeing that woman and made sure when his wife returned that he’d kept their house spotless.

But he told me she immediately examined every room, complained that the curtains were open unevenly, and that his coffee cup was in the sink. The next morning, she pulled out drawers because his socks weren’t all folded into pairs.

My friend decided he wouldn’t take it anymore.

He left permanently that day.

I know he wasn’t a perfect person and that he’d cheated with that woman, but what makes a partner control the other’s every move down to even a sock drawer?

What should he have done to try to save his marriage?

Curious Friend

A: It’s easy to put all the blame on him for cheating, as if his wife always knew he couldn’t be trusted so she had to keep him in line.

But it’s also terrible to live with someone who’s always giving orders and never satisfied.

Their personalities were at odds, she wanting to be the boss, him yearning to be free. That imbalance nearly always strains a relationship. Or ends it.

The only way to save such a relationship is for both to want a better partnership. They’d each have to agree to make personal behaviour changes.

It wasn’t going to happen for them.

Q: My wife and I, semi- retired, own a Florida property. Last winter, we decided to spend two months there. I’d torn my rotator cuff slipping on ice and needed walking for exercise.

We got COVID health insurance and were careful about virus exposure.

The night before leaving, my wife’s best friend invited her over and lectured her on the common good during COVID. My wife got very upset.

I resented the friend’s timing just before our leaving. For six weeks, my wife was upset whenever her friend phoned.

I finally texted the friend she was out of line and shouldn’t judge us as we wouldn’t judge her.

When her friend called my text “bullying,” my wife then got upset with me, saying I should apologize.

She insists I fix this. I emailed the friend that we’d both upset my wife and should agree to disagree.

The friend didn’t reply so she thinks I’m the only one responsible.

Need Your thoughts

A: Your wife had agreed to the Florida stay. If she had worried thoughts even the night before, she could have insisted on cancelling or even stayed home herself. Instead, you became the bad guy when her friend kept agitating her.

Your conciliatory note was a good try. But if your wife also still blames you, it’s not just about Florida.

Ellie’s tip of the day

A controller and a freedom lover, like a fish and a bird, can’t live together.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star